Why Am I Still Single?

Why am I still single?

Unattached women up and down the country ask this question of themselves every day. Some have their own take on why they are still single, while others are at a loss to know why or how to change their lives, in terms of romance.

Women often look at their happily coupled up friends and family and wonder why cupid has been good to some but has somehow deserted them! The best way to find out how to create a shift in your current romance circumstances for the better is to ask the experts, so that’s exactly what we did - we asked not one but 5 of the globes most successful match makers to answer the questions that are on the lips of all the single ladies out there, and get the most relevant and most helpful answers to change the patterns of a lifetime!

For more information on this press release, please contact info@coffeeandcompany.com

Rachel Russo

Rachel Russo is a NYC-based Dating, Relationship, & Image Coach, Matchmaker, Author, and Speaker. Rachel has a master’s degree in Marriage & Family Therapy, an undergraduate psychology degree, and is a certified Intentional Relationship Coach. She has ten years of working in the dating coaching & matchmaking industry. In addition to having her own boutique coaching business, she is also The Director of Marketing at The Matchmaking Institute. Rachel works with marriage-minded singles and couples. Her motto is that everyone should love their love life—no matter what their status! Learn more about Rachel and her coaching programs at www.RachelRusso.com

1) Do you think a woman should persevere and have follow up dates with men who they like but do not feel they have chemistry with?

Yes, I believe that chemistry can grow when a woman continues to date a guy who she respects and enjoys being with. If he treats her really well, does not physically repulse her, and has the traits she wants in her match, sparks just might fly…eventually.

2) What common mistakes do most women make when seeking a partner?

Besides too quickly giving up on guys they don't feel immediate chemistry with, women have unrealistic expectations about who they should date. They make the mistake of ruling out guys they could be compatible with, because they don't understand the type of men they appeal to. For instance, most men want to date younger--often ten to fifteen years younger in cities like NYC or LA. Yet many women only want to go out with men their age, a couple years older than their age, or a couple years younger! Women who are too picky tend to give off a desperate energy that men can smell from miles away. It is common for women to sleep with men too soon, get emotionally attached too quickly, and overlook the red flags in a developing relationship.

3) What would you say are the top three or four key attributes that appeal to men?

Looks: to be beautiful, youthful, and feminine

Personality: easygoing & pleasant

Loyalty: enough said

4) What do you find most frustrating about your role as a Match-maker?

Clients who sabotage the matches I work so hard to make. A lot of matches fail to launch because people do silly things like Google each other and decide they aren't attracted because of one photo of someone holding a beer bottle. They come across poorly on the phone and miscommunicate via text to the point that a first date never happens. In most cases, if they would have just met each other, they probably would have liked each other.  

5) Is there an age when it gets much harder for a woman to find love?

Yes, 33-40. Men who want to have children are worried about many things. They are worried they will have to rush into marriage and child birth due to ticking clocks. They are worried about risks of birth defects and they just don't want the pressure and want to date younger. After forty it gets easier, because the men assume women have given up on wanting to have kids.

Lorraine Adams

Lorraine Adams has been a romance expert and match maker for 15 years since the year 2000. She is credited with being the first in the UK to bring us Speed dating. Lorraine has since written a Life coaching for Romance book and her services include, organising coffee dates for her clients, typically busy professionals in their 30’s -50’s. Lorraine also runs Life coaching for romance seminars and one to one Personal Dating Evaluations PDE’s. Her website is www.coffeeandcompany.com

1) Do you think a woman should persevere and have follow up dates with men who they like but do not feel they have chemistry with?

Absolutely 100% yes! In my 15 years of experience as a match-maker the most successful unions overwhelmingly stem through the ’slow burner’. If I feel I have a match made in heaven but the clients in question are reluctant to meet on paper or they don’t feel a spark immediately and see no point in meeting again - I become extremely vocal to ensure they follow through. I honestly do not think I would have had quite as much success as I have done (creating hundreds of happy couples) if I had not been as tough on my clients as I am. In the last few years we have not advertised our services at all and have relied on word of mouth recommendations from happy clients - so I suppose I have got to the point where I am so confident with my methods that I can afford to be pushy with my clients and ensure they follow my guidance! I often find that those matches where there is an instant chemistry often die out almost as quickly as they start! Old habits die hard - my ethos at Coffee and Company is all about trying a new approach - my approach because I know it works!

2) What common mistakes do most women make when seeking a partner?

Most women make the mistake of having a ’type’ or a criteria that is not broad enough. I ask them - do you want to fall in love? Or are you only looking to fall in love with the person you see in your head? They have too many ‘deal breakers’. I have clients in their late 30’s and 40’s who say ‘Oh, I definitely do not want to date a man with children because I once went out with a guy who had kids and it was a disaster!’ Well guess what - that doesn’t define every man out there with kids! I know from experience (including my own) that it is perfectly possible to fall in love with someone you could bet a million pounds initially that there isn’t a chance in hell you could fall in love with! So the most common mistake - not remaining open enough!

3) What would you say are the top three or four key attributes that appeal to men?

1) Number one is that a woman is feminine! This seems to be the most fluent attribute a man seeks. Men see femininity more as a mindset - we’re not talking about women who bake and wear floral dresses and sew cushion covers, it’s the women who make a man feel like a man and are careful to not try and emasculate him. Genetically men are programmed to take the lead - whatever society dictates. So a woman who allows a man to feel like he is taking responsibility and control of things is very appealing to a man. Of course in reality it’s usually a case of the woman manipulating the situation so a man feels like he is alpha male - but that works! I let my partner tell us what tube route we are going to take for example, even if I think we could get there quicker and more efficiently my route - I don’t say a word I just say great! It makes for a better and more successful dynamic! 2) Is vibrancy! A man has to feel a positive bright energy coming from a woman for her to appeal to him. A woman who has lots going on in her life, who has a happy generous disposition always has men falling at her feet. 3) Is Self-esteem. Do not mistake confidence for self-esteem - outwardly you could be public speaking to 100 people and look the picture of confidence, but inwardly if you question yourself all the time the men in your life will pick up on this and it isn’t very attractive. Save the ‘I’m trying to lose weight’ conversations and ‘I always meet men that cheat on me’ chats for your friends - men don’t need to hear your more vulnerable side. A man likes to think of his woman as having a strong backbone, not always feeling sorry for herself! 4) The fourth key attribute that is most appealing to a man is that you pose yourself as a challenge. A man always likes the thrill of the chase, even if he has declared his love and devotion to you. The minute you let your guard down he loses a little interest. You always need the man to feel that he is punching slightly above his weight - even when you are married to him. The hot and cold trick works a treat - its fine to show him you love him and tell him, but then be a little bit unavailable - then back on in there!

4) What do you find most frustrating about your role as a Match-maker?

I love my job as a match make and romance expert! I have a brilliant track record and don’t even advertise my services because all my clients come via word of mouth from others who have had a happy and successful outcome through Coffee and Company. I love to see the light bulb go on in a woman’s head when I’m coaching her and she starts to realise where she has gone wrong. I love seeing the happiness on a woman’s face when she has met the man of her dreams through me. Equally it is VERY frustrating when a woman just doesn’t connect into my ethos and mindset. So they pay for my services to create a shift in their lives in terms of romance, but they still want to take the same route they have done for years - even though it’s proved to be unsuccessful for them - and they are not willing to take a new approach and give my methods a shot. 

5) Is there an age when it gets much harder for a woman to find love?

Personally I think once you have tapped into the secret of success with men you can still attract men in your 70’s. You may get a little out of practice or opportunities might be a bit thin on the ground so it might help to retain the services of a match maker or try online dating for a short spell. But it doesn’t take the women who know how long to snap back into a relationship, whatever their age!

Caroline Brealey

Caroline Brealey is the founder of the Mutual Attraction Introduction Agency. Voted Matchmaker of the Year at the UK Dating Awards, Mutual Attraction helps single London professionals find their match. For more information, go to http://www.mutualattraction.co.uk/.

1) Do you think a woman should persevere and have follow up dates with men who they like but do not feel they have chemistry with?

My advice is always the same: to follow your gut instinct. Your body has a way of telling you how you really feel…of course it depends whether your brain wants to accept those feelings or not! If in doubt as to whether to go on another date I would always suggest going. Those ‘fireworks’ people talk about don’t always (in fact rarely!) appear on a first date. Love and chemistry grows for many of us and writing off someone because you didn’t feel a great big spark within a few minutes can mean you miss out on someone amazing. Did you have fun? Did you laugh? Were they interesting? Then go on another date.

2) What common mistakes do most women make when seeking a partner?

Forgetting that they are looking for a life partner - Someone to share their rest of their life with, a man who will be an amazing father (if applicable). A guy who will make them laugh and pick them up when they’re down, a best friend and lover. Yes, cheesy but true! Finding your life partner is a huge and important decision yet it’s one we often either leave to chance or one we approach it in the wrong mind set. We say that he has to have brown hair, live 10 minutes down the road, have green eyes, be over 6’0, be into all the same interests, etc. We try and fit people into a tick box and if they don’t fit then they’re out! Yes, we have to be attracted to our partner, that’s a given. But it shouldn’t be the focus of your search, yet for many women it’s the starting point. Look beyond and remember you’re searching for someone to share your life with!

3) What would you say are the top three or four key attributes that appeal to men?

One of my favourite parts of being a matchmaker is spending time getting to know the men we work with (I know, there are worse jobs in the world!). When a new member joins us we meet them face to face and get to know all about them, how they live their life, what makes them tick and so on. When it comes to asking what they are looking for in a woman and soul mate the same 3 threads appear time after time:

1. Intelligence
2. Femininity
3. Passion for life and a good dose of ‘get up and go’

 The ability to laugh at their jokes also usually crops up!

4) What do you find most frustrating about your role as a Match-maker?

Trust is a big part of matchmaking and that trust between a client and their matchmaker is so important. The most frustrating part of being a matchmaker is when you have, for example, an amazing guy for your female client - he’s incredible and a match for her in every way, I’m probably doing a little dance around the office at how excited I am that I have found them such a fantastic match! But then….she says no to meeting him for a quick drink. Why? Because he’s 5’10 and not 6’0! It sounds silly on paper but this happens so much. Matchmakers aren’t an online dating service, we understand that love doesn’t fit into tick boxes and that if he did turn out to be the love of her life she wouldn’t even notice, let alone care, that he isn’t quite 6’0! The funny (yet frustrating) thing is that it’s usually shorter women who are heightist! At Mutual Attraction we ask all our members to come with an open mind and an open heart if they are truly serious about finding their special someone.

5) Is there an age when it gets much harder for a woman to find love?

Women who are in their 40’s who would like to have children can be a challenge to match. It’s very frustrating because they have so much to offer, unfortunately we do find that in the same women can be terribly heightist, the same can be said for men in that they can be ageist.

Amber Neal

Amber Neal has been coined "The Innovator" in the dating industry. She has been helping singles for over 10 years dishing out tough love to her clients for many years. Her gift of discernment along with her experience as National Director (multiple states) in the Dating Industry prior to going to work for herself as a Matchmaker make her the most experienced and versatile Relationship Expert in the Industry. For more information, go to www.ambernealpresents.com

1) Do you think a woman should persevere and have follow up dates with men who they like but do not feel they have chemistry with?

I read a survey once that said out of 100 women polled, 75% of them admitted that they were NOT attached to their partner at all when they first met him. The oldest form of Matchmaking is arranged marriages where your family decides who you marry. Physical beauty is not even a consideration because it's deeper than looks. Anytime you base a relationship on things that can fade like looks or money, you are basing your relationship around the EGO which is selfish, which often times will leave you disappointed and feeling alone in a relationship. There is a thin line between confidence and self-absorbed. Anyone that is so in love with looks as a #1 requirement will often be doomed to a life of break ups and let downs. Just know that lust looks a lot like love, which is ego driven and selfish and has less chance for longevity. Anything cultivated around inner beauty, culture, and the spiritual aspect have a much more solid footing. 

2) What common mistakes do most women make when seeking a partner?

They have a list. I have been saying for years to get rid of the list. Women often think that if a guy matches all of the requirement on their checklist, then he must be "the one". Even though, blind dates are not my favorite way to match my clients, I have realized that women so often times don't even know what they want and so the blind date is the best way to keep them open minded. Keep an open mind, you never know until you find out for yourself, versus listening to someone like a family member that has been divorced 3 times, or a friend that is total man hater. Be careful who you seek advice from, especially when it comes to your circle of friends because not everyone in your circle wants to see you happy. There is a reason that there is a saying "misery loves company". 

3) What would you say are the top three or four key attributes that appeal to men?

#1 In today’s world, women have careers! Men have accepted our progress into the work place and support women being independent financially, however, when they are looking for a personal relationship, they still tend to be drawn to a woman that needs them, appreciates them and doesn't try to compete with them. Once they feel that you are competing with them, they will then put you in a friend zone and game on!
 

#2 So many women say "I don't NEED a man!" There is always an exception to every rule, but most men, are hard wired to want to be the provider because they are hunters by nature. Once you tell a man he isn't needed, you run the risk of losing him. 

 #3 Yes, we have come a long way in the movement for women, however we have changed, not men. They still look for someone that isn't sleeping with everyone around her. They want her to have confidence in herself enough to know her worth and not be so easy to get. You never see a deer lay down in front of a lion so a girl that gives "it" up too soon, will lose in most cases. The most part of landing someone for them is the chase.

#4 Be humble and let him lead. You can have an equal partnership, however, he is supposed to be the leader of the home. If you don't allow him to be the leader and instead, you emasculate him, then he will seek the comfort of someone that makes him feel like a king. 

 4) What do you find most frustrating about your role as a Match-maker?

The most frustrating part of being a Matchmaker is also the most rewarding and that is coaching. Coaching is great when they listen. It is when my clients are "un-coachable" that my role as a Matchmaker gets frustrating the most. 

5) Is there an age when it gets much harder for a woman to find love?

One of the biggest things I stress to the ladies under 30 is not NOT waste a single day on the wrong man. I can't tell you how much harder it is to find love once you put a 4 at the beginning of your age and double that trouble with every decade longer. Granted, being a cougar is the new "in thing" in the dating world; however that again is based around lust not love and so really, again you are wasting time and racking up more miles on your body. This new cougar generation has flipped dating on its ear because so many times you will meet a guy that wants you to take care of him and be the provider. I don't know about you, but my battery operated boyfriend is a lot cheaper and lot less headaches. So while being a cougar seems appealing to some, if you are looking for Mr. Right that you don't have to support, you might want to not waste your time with boy toys or meaningless relationships. 

Marla Martenson

Marla Martenson is the author of four books; her latest, two juicy memoirs, Diary of a Beverly Hills Matchmaker & Hearts on the Line. She is also a frequent guest on TV shows and has been seen on The Today Show, San Diego Living, Urban Rush & Chicago Morning News and many more. Marla also has her own interview show that she hosts called Conversations With Cupid, which can be found on YouTube. For information on Marla’s services,  books and other projects, visit her website www.marlamartenson.com